My Newly-Wedded Life

To spank or not to spank?

2011-03-11T17:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I basically use this blog to rant about things I can't rant about on facebook because it will cause fights, tension and general unhappiness among my facebook "friends". Most of the time, this is because what I want to rant about is political...and well simply put.... I am friends with lots of relatives, friends etc, who do not share my same views. I do not wish to upset people I care about even if I think some of their views might be somewhat misguided. So back to the blog I come.

For the 5 people who read this blog, you all probably know, I am pregnant. Yay! Well, more so than ever I am thinking about and evaluating the choices James and I will make as parents. However, one choice I have NEVER ever EVER had to evaluate is whether my child will be spanked. Because I have always known: my child will never be hit or spanked by an adult. I do not agree with it and I wish more people agreed with me....but they don't. Instead, I am painted as some bleeding heart liberal. Well, to be fair, in alot of ways I am a bleeding heart liberal...but in alot of ways...I am not. Let's just leave it at that for now.

However, I do not think that the issue of spanking should be political. It should be common sense. You show aggression towards your child when you are angry...your child will model and learn that behavior and will show aggression towards others when they are angry. Seems pretty simple to me.

What brought this blog post on? THIS CNN video:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2011/03/10/exp.Behar_Marc_Ecko.hln?hpt=T2

Sorry if that didn't link right, I am no good with technology. But anyway, suffice it to say that after I have had this argument with countless people, I am FINALLY starting to see stuff in the press that seems to agree with what I have been saying ALL ALONG.

Almost a year ago, I was so happy to see THIS article about the long term effects of spanking:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html
(again, sorry if it didn't link right)

Anyway - here is why I do not think that spanking should be allowed:
1. It teaches children to be aggressive when they have a problem. If, you, as the parent deal with your problems by hitting the child...the child will model that behavior and when they have a problem, they will also deal with their problems with aggression.

2. When parents spank - they are angry. They are losing their cool. Which is the most ineffective type of punishment. Remember when you were a kid and you could tell your parent was REALLY REALLY pissed if they didn't even yell or scream? If they were just....quiet. Wasn't that the worst punishment of all? Any discipline expert will tell you that the most effective type of punishment is to not yell, scream, or spank. The most effective is to speak quietly and firmly. That way you make sure and make your point.

3. Just because spanking effectively stops the bad behavior for the moment - does not mean that the child truly understands WHY their behavior was wrong to begin with. When you EXPLAIN to your child WHY they should not be behaving in a certain way...you model for your child the act of reasoning through ones actions and behavior. A valuable life lesson. Not to mention, your child will understand why they cannot do X behavior as opposed to just associating X with a spanking.

4. Finally, I would like to bring up the force issue. Sometimes, when parents (or in the case of corporal punishment, teachers) are angry they may accidentally use more force than they should when spanking. How do you separate spanking with alot of force for discipline purposes from child abuse? It seems like a muddy line to me.

No, the better option is to do your best as a parent to discipline firmly and calmly. Discipline is a cornerstone of parenting...and for those that may think I do not care about discipline with my future child - you can think again. I intend on making enforced discipline a necessary and active part of my child rearing. But you won't see me raising a hand to my child. And accordingly, I hope this means my child will be less likely to raise a hand against another human. I hope this encourages my child, through my behavior, that talking out your problems is clearly the better option.

As a final note - let's hope that one day the outdated practice of corporal punishment is abolished in all states. But you can bet, even if my child somehow manages to land in a school that allows corporal punishment (it is still legal in Texas unfortunately), my first reaction WILL NOT be to walk up to the offending teacher and paddle them on the butt (even if I may want to). Just sayin...

I'm Baaack....

2010-01-29T08:16:00.000-08:00

So, I am finally back on my blog after a many month hiatus. I know not that many people read this blog, but for those that do, I will do my best to be a more faithful updater. Though I should note: there will be another several month hiatus starting in May until the 1st of August when I am preparing for, and subsequently taking, the Texas Bar Exam (scary!). But for now, I have an easy last semester of law school and will hopefully be updating more often. :)

Let me start by explaining what's been going on in our lives for the past several months. It has certainly been a rough and busy couple of months. In the beginning of December, after I finished my finals, James and I started getting the house ready to go on the market to sale. We have finally reached that goal, although there were several delays and fits and starts. We will be listing next week(yay!) But anyway, in the beginning of December we started on this rather large project. Let me first say that my latest obsession with HGTV programming probably made this project a bit more expansive than what it may have originally been. I have become absolutely obsessed with staging my house to perfection to attract a buyer more quickly. Therefore, in December we got our concrete floors re-sealed. This basically means we had to practically move out of our house.

Unfortunately James had to go to California for work for a few days during the midst of all this hub-bub with getting the house done. So, very luckily, my mom was so generous to come up and help me and we got a ton done! Thanks mom! So we got it all done and ran off to Houston for a week with the cats in tow. Well, 2 of them went and stayed with my parents (thanks mom and dad!) and 2 of them came with James and I to Houston (thanks Jim and Mo!). Needless to say the floors got done and look beautiful!

By this time it was Christmas and we were only back in town for a few days before needing to head out of town. Unfortunately, two things complicated matters. One, James and I both got really sick around this time. Two, our wonderful and much beloved cat Whisper also got really sick and stopped eating. As anyone who has ever owned a cat knows, fatty liver disease is extremely dangerous for cats if they stop eating. 2 days before Christmas we made the decision to have a feeding tube put in her. Unfortunately, this did not work and on December 28, 2009, we made the very tough decision to have her put down.

Whisper was such a wonderful cat, full of personality. And although we miss her every single day, we know we made the right decision in letting her have a more humane death. Nonetheless, the loss has been very hard and there are still rough days. Whisper was a daddy's girl and filled James' (as well as mine) days with joy with her funny antics. It has been a hard adjustment to being a 3 cat home, but every day is just a tiny bit easier.

As anyone can imagine, losing our precious Whisper kind of put the brakes on the house staging project for a little while, as neither one of us felt much up to doing anything right after her death. Additionally, we were both still getting over our colds/flu whatever it was that we had. Then the christmas vacation was over and I went back to school and James went back to work. And so, we found ourselves hopelessly behind my self-imposed "list date" deadline for the house. However, the last couple of weeks we have worked very hard and we are happy to say that the house looks absolutely fantastic! One realtor said it looked like a model home - to which I take great pride. Isn't it funny how you don't get your house looking exactly how you want until you are ready to move out? hmmm...But I would like to give a big shout out to my in-laws, Jim and Morag for graciously coming up earlier this week to help us finish the last leg of work. We wouldn't have been able to do it without them and we are so grateful! I will hopefully post some pictures or a link to pictures once the photographer comes in and the house is listed on the MLS.

The last couple of months have been extremely busy and not necessarily that easy. However, I am comforted by the fact that even in times of high stress and in times of heartbreak that James and I still manage to find laughter and comfort in one another. We have both been extremely stressed with this house business and I am so glad the worst of it is over. However, even though the day to day details of staging the house to sell have been stressful and tiring - I think the thing that is most comforting is that our marriage is still jsut as easy as ever. If we get in a tiff over whether or not we should buy new paint to do touch-ups or whether we should use the old paint, the tiff never lasts more than about 10-15 minutes and then we are hugging and laughing and going on our way. Which brings me to an interesting observation that my mother-in-law made to me a few days ago about marriage which I think is so true.

Morag and I were discussing marriage and I was saying how I sincerely hoped that James and I were as happy as she and Jim are after almost 40 years and she told me that if you are with the right person, 40 years is easy to get to. Sure, there will be days where your spouse annoys you. Maybe today he is arguing with you over paint colors. But is everyday a chore with that person or is it easy? Do the days fly by? For me, I can't believe James and I have been married for almost 8 months. The time has truly flown by. And this October we will have been together 6 years. Time flies when you are having fun, and I think that is the root of what Morag was telling me. When each day is fun and filled with laughter, even in times of stress and heartache, 8 months of marriage or 40 years can go by in the blink of an eye.

Which brings me to my latest obsession, which will be the subject of my next blog post (very soon!). I am obsessed with the Myers-Briggs personality test. James and I both took it at my behest, and it is crazy how very accurate it is about both of us. I have really become interested in our personality traits and how it relates to how James and I interact with one another. So stay tuned! A blog post on that will be forthcoming! For now, thanks to all our family who have been so helpful with getting our house ready to sell and who were also so supportive when we were dealing with Whisper's loss. Much Love!

WARNING: Political Post

2009-09-12T18:04:00.000-07:00

So lately, there has been lots of talk around the Harper household about health care (as I am sure it has been at many households). Let me start this post off by saying first and foremost, in the interest of complete transparency: That James and I am are in favor of Obama's health care plan. Let me add, that while some might think me to be quite liberal, my husband James is NOT. Of course there are issues he is liberal on, but there are also other issues where he fancies himself quite libertarian.

I have been relatively quiet about this health care debate. Well, let me qualify that: I have not been commenting on many people's posts on Facebook that i ADAMANTLY disagree with. What's more, I have not been commenting on the ones that I wholeheartedly agree with. I just think it has become such a divisive issue that it isn't worth it. I have had plenty to say to James about it, of course. Well tonight, I am angry. I am angry enough to post here on my blog - because I know not that many people read this silly blog. I am using this more as an organized outlet for myself because I need a place to release my sadness and anger that I live in a country where a piece of legislation that ensures that our uninsured grandparents, children, brothers, and sisters can have their basic health needs met, has met with extreme opposition from so many. READ: Please do not take this to mean there aren't legitimate concerns with the heath care legislation. I of course, think that the proposed legislation is not perfect and it OF COURSE has flaws. There are several things I would like improved in it. But what truly saddens me is that the opposition seems to be about the basic concept of the legislation that EVERYONE deserves a right to life. Yes, a right to life. If they need a transplant to keep them alive, they have a RIGHT to have that transplant. Not just the right only if they have the good fortune to have health insurance or to have $300,000 to drop on a transplant surgery. If someone cannot afford a transplant or doesn't have health insurance, they should not die. Allowing them to die simply because they are poor is disgusting. America should be ashamed. We are the only westernized democracy that does not provide our citizens with the basic right to affordable health care. We are disgustingly behind the times.

Tonight, downtown Fort Worth was FLOODED with both rain AND large numbers of people from a "9/12" Tea Party event who have more misinformation than I have ever seen in my entire life. How do I know they are operating under extreme misinformation? Their signs. WOW.

Let me say, I have never felt more disenfranchised than I did during the G.W. Bush years. So I understand some of the anger that fuels these tea party events if these people feel even half as angry at Obama s I felt at Bush. What I take issue with is the lack of productive criticism that I witnessed first hand tonight. In my backyard, I saw a PLETHORA of signs calling the President names: "Obama is a Marxist", or "Obama is communist". Two signs I saw said the following: "Obama Care = Hitler SS". Really? Comparing him to Hitler???? And this accomplishes what, exactly? Besides being completely wrong, it is completely unproductive. Even when I was angry about Bush's Patriot Act, I NEVER called him a fascist. That would 1) be untrue and 2) unproductive. I also don't recall seeing large groups of people with signs calling him a fascist. But if there had been, I would not have participated in such name-calling. Name-calling is for 5 year olds on a playground. There is NO place for it in what should be productive, healthy debate about legislation.

I also take issue with the fear tactics and misinformation. I can and never will support any administration that uses fear tactics to rally people into submission. These tea party events, from what I saw tonight are based on fear. Fear of this word "socialism". What is Medicare I ask you? People love Medicare. Medicare is GOVERNMENT PAID HEALTH CARE. So I am using this moment to lay out misinformation. I am a HUGE fan of www.factcheck.org. If you don't already know about it, check it out. The reason I am such a fan is because I get extremely TIRED of all the misinformation from BOTH sides of this health care debate. Obama is NOT excluded from giving out misinformation. He is just as guilty, unfortunately. You can clearly see it on www.factcheck.org. So I went and educated myself before deciding what I thought about the health care plan. If you have chosen a side on this health care plan and haven't taken the time to get truly educated from an unbiased source, you are doing this country a disservice. From the signs I saw tonight - I am pretty sure that a huge proportion of these tea party people have only used fox news to get there information. In fact, one of their keynote speakers was a Fox News anchor. How can they ask anyone to take them seriously when they are using Fox News as the primary source of information? This would be analogous to if I only used MSNBC to try and understand the health care debate. Both news sources are disgustingly biased. MSNBC is disgustingly left. FOX News is disgustingly right. They are not to be trusted when you want to get accurate information. PLEASE check out www.factcheck.org, regardless of your stance on health care, so at the bare minimum we can raise the tenor of this health care debate to issues - not scare tactics using catch words like "socialism". Check out this article on Fact Check: http://www.factcheck.org/2009/08/twenty-six-lies-about-hr-3200/
Please see below unbiased fact checked points about the health care plan. I wish I could show www.factcheck.org to the Tea Party people.

1. The comment "you lie" sparked lots of debate about whether obama's health care plan insures illegal immigrants. This should not even be debated. IT IN NO WAY INSURES ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS. A simple look at the proposed legislation makes this comment 100% WRONG. In fact, the bill specifically says that illegal immigrants can’t get any government money to pay for health care. Page 143 states: "Nothing in this subtitle shall allow Federal payments for affordability credits on behalf of individuals who are not lawfully present in the United States." It is my understanding that people are angry that illegal immigrants could BUY health insurance. Ummm wait....they are already doing that........if it wasn't a problem before, why now?

2. Tonight at the Tea Party Event I also saw a sign that read: "Put Obama on Health Care Plan". ARGGG! This one made me particularly angry. That is PRECISELY what the legislation seeks to do. The legislation allows 'average joes' to participate in a substantially similar plan as Federal Workers, like Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton receive. The whole idea behind the exchange is that if we pay for Congressman to have excellent health insurance, surely the citizen who put that Congressman in office deserves a similar option. The government works for us after all, not us for them.

3. Misinformation: That the health care plan WILL add to the deficit. Of course, it has this potential. This is a legitimate concern for those who fear our growing deficit (although I wonder where all these tea party people were when the deficit was ballooning during the Bush years, but oh well, hypocrisy never dies, does it). However, Obama has unequivocally stated MULTIPLE times that he WILL NOT sign a bill and he WILL veto any health care legislation that adds to the deficit. His plan requires that the health care plan pay for itself with money from other cut programs.

4. Misinformation: That the Health care plan does not allow the "free market" to handle the health care problem. Obama is NOT eliminating private health insurance plans. They are able to compete the exact same way. He is just proposing we add coverage for everyone with a public option.

Personal Anecdote: In July of 2005 I was diagnosed with cervical cancerous lesions. I needed an expensive surgery to get rid of them. I got the surgery thanks to being on my father's health insurance. But the lesions came back and I needed surgery again. Problem 1: I worked for a small business owner who could not afford to give me health insurance because private plans are astronomically expensive and would not have provided me with coverage for that surgery because it was "a preexisting condition". Problem 2: This time I was 25 years of age and my father's insurance company would not allow me to be covered under his plan anymore. I was kicked off and without insurance. I would not have gotten the surgery I needed had I not been dating James at the time. Because he was scared that I was going to go without the surgery I needed, he started investigating how to get me the surgery and found that he could insure me under his insurance as a domestic partner. It was expensive since we weren't married - but he could do it. I got the surgery. I am not a bum. I am driven and a hard worker. In 1 year, I will be a lawyer. I am a productive member of society. Yet, I was going to have to go without surgery. How is this not taking my right to life I ask you? Disgusting. All because of my good and coincidental fortune of having met James, I was able to have a surgery I wouldn't have been able to afford otherwise. NOTE: this was NOT elective surgery. I NEEDED this surgery.

My story is a minor story, but it all too common. I am not asking people to NOT suggest changes to the health care bill. This bill needs changes! It needs input from the right as well as the left. But I am asking that people make an honest effort to get good information and stop name-calling. Make productive suggestions to help this country have the best health care plan in the world! If you are scared that it will add to the deficit (a completely legitimate fear) don't make signs that call Obama "Hilter" - write your congressman and make sure he only votes for a bill that is completely paid for on its own. And most of all, I am begging you to ask yourself what you would do if your mother needed a $300,000.00 surgery to save her life, she didn't have health insurance and you didn't have $300,000.00. What would you do? If you lived in any other democracy in the world, she would have that surgery. And you would still have your mother with you. Not in America.

Pesky Mosquitos

2009-08-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

So the other night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, a mosquito was flying around in our bedroom and was biting me repeatedly. It was so frustrating! I was so tired and wanted to go to sleep but every time I was about to doze off- it bit me. Finally, after enduring about 10 fresh bites and 30 minutes of frustration, I called James to come in so that I could whine to him about said mosquito. He had been working in his office and had not witnessed the annoyance of the mosquito. However, I am pretty sure that even if he were there it would not have bothered him because he is one of the these people that the mosquitoes do not bite. I will walk outside for 30 seconds and have 10 bites, where he will be outside for 2 hours and have zero bites. Not fair!

So anyway, back to my story: So I called James in and informed him that there was a mosquito flying around biting me repeatedly. Repeatedly, I reiterated to him, and that I couldn't fall asleep. You know what he said? He said: "Did you just call me in here to tell me there is a mosquito flying in our bedroom?" I said, "Well....yes, I can't sleep and I already tried to swat it a couple of times and was unsuccessful." Then he started to laugh. "Really babe?" he said. "A mosquito? What do you want me to do about it?" he mused. Apparently, it is pretty ridiculous to a man that I would want to "talk" about the fact that a mosquito was bothering me.

So lesson # 1 of my marriage: What I find to be an extremely noteworthy incident, my husband finds to be the exact opposite. While he thought there was nothing to say about it, I thought - man I need to tell him what a rough time I am having, cause I can't fall asleep! Men and women are very different, this much we all know. I am guessing that if the mosquito incident had occurred to him I would never have known about it. He either would have killed the mosquito or simply ignored it. I, however, felt the need to discuss with him how "upset" the mosquito was making me. So when I explained to him that I didn't really think there was anything to be done unless he could magically kill the mosquito...who had of course, disappeared the second James entered the room, James' response was "ok....then why did you call me in here?"

Completely, exasperated, I said, "To tell you about it" (Duh!). He just laughed and said, "maybe he is full now. He drank enough of your blood." Then shaking his head, kissed me, and left the room to go back to work. Hmmm. Not the response I was looking for really. I guess I was really looking for an "Oh my gosh! How annoying and terrible!" response from my husband. But see, as a man, he sees that as completely pointless. Unless he is able to solve the problem, what is the point in him being in there? Oh well. Lesson learned. You want someone to kill a mosquito, call your husband. You want someone to talk with about how frustrated the mosquito makes you feel? Call your girlfriend. She will say, "Oh my gosh! How annoying and terrible!" Which is exactly what I did. And by the way, James was right. The mosquito was full. I slept like a baby. :)

August

2009-08-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

I am not going to lie, August has been a rough month. I have been beyond busy. I took a weekend class for the last few weeks in addition to starting the new fall semester and doing law review. It's hard to enjoy being a newlywed when you are never home and never see your husband. People probably think we see each other all the time because he works from home full time and I usually study at home. But even when I am home, we are rarely in the same room. I study while he watches soccer. He works while I sleep. In short, we are physically in the same house - but don't spend much quality time together. We have somewhat different schedules and this can be problematic.

Everything we do is for the strength of our marriage. James stays at a job he has lost all love for, so that he can financially support me while I am in school. I push myself harder than I probably should to get good grades at law school so that one day he can have the luxury of not having to worry about money and can find a job that truly makes him happy.

But what happens when the things you do for the marriage of tomorrow cause you to push the marriage of the now by the way side? I don't really have an answer for that question, but I do know that it is important to cherish the now and not get too caught up in the tomorrow. Easier said than done, no doubt.

So James and I seem to get pleasure in cherishing the small moments. Like watching an hour episode of our favorite shows. It is usually the best part of my day. When we both make the time to pop in the netflix of whatever show we are currently watching and laugh together at the television.

When we eventually end up having kids I will insist on us having dinner at a table as a family every night. But I think I will also insist on us having a television show that we watch as a family. Not sure my mother would agree with me on this, she has never been much into the television. But I do know that even if you aren't looking at each other, talking to each other right then - you are relaxing together and enjoying something together. There is plenty of trash on T.V. and I am pretty sure I watch alot of that trash - but there is also something comforting about being a vegetable together. Letting your mind relax and let someone else think for you while you cuddle up with the people you love. Becuase at the end of the day when you are too tired to even explain to the other person why you are so tired, sometimes the best medicine for the marriage of the now is to just know that the other person laughs at the same stupid jokes on the tv that you laugh at. And that moment should be cherished.

Laundry

2009-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

So if I succumb to an anti-feminist mentality that a wife keeps her husband fed, clothed and in a clean house, I have failed on all 3 counts. Since law school started, I rarely clean, I never cook, and James has to beg for clean underwear on a regular basis. He does not do the laundry (which trust me is for the best - I think all my shirts would be shrunk after one wearing if he did). However, I am not exactly good at staying on top of the laundry. James has always been the primary cook in our home, because he loves to cook so much - but before law school, I took an active role in helping in the kitchen, because I also like to cook.

I used to love cleaning and doing laundry every Sunday. It was a therapeutic ritual. Every Sunday we went to the grocery store, cleaned our house and I did all the weeks laundry. Every Monday morning I woke up with a full fridge, all my clothes nicely hung in the closet and a sparkling house. It was so nice. I always started my week off on the right foot!

Law school took that away from me. Sunday no longer means I get the house in order for the week. Now it means homework. Lots and lots of homework that I never finish by Sunday night. I am lucky that this fact bothers me more than it bothers James. He is a boy. In fact, I venture to say, he quite enjoys his Sundays now that we aren't spending them cleaning and doing chores.

But there is still the social pressure of it all. Not that anyone else cares if my house is sparkling clean and my husband has a closet full of clean clothes. No, i mean what gives me value in my marriage. James could care less about how well I clean or how often I do laundry so long as he isn't forced to go commando for the week. But not me. I do care. I want to take care of my husband the way he takes care of me. I want to be the wife that can juggle law school and have a sparkling house and clean clothes and every once in awhile it would be nice to be able to cook James a nice meal that I made on my own.

James, being the wonderful and supportive hubby that he is, could care less if I am the 50's wife. I am a modern girl in a modern marriage, just trying to have a successful marriage and a career. Too much to ask for? Not if the person you are married to counts their needs in marriage as emotional and not functional. Lucky for me, James would rather I watch a movie on netflix with him than clean the house and make sure he has clean underwear.

But still, the laundry must get done. One way or another. And as I sit here typing this I can look across my living room to my laundry room and see a scary, scary pile of laundry. So I better go change the laundry.

Life after Wedding?

2009-08-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

So, I did it. I married my best friend. I planned an amazing wedding (with the help of an AMAZING wedding planner). So what's next? Well, besides the law school thing of course...more on that later...

James seems to think that I have replaced obsessing about the wedding with obsessing about buying our next house. To be fair, he is absolutely right. For the past year and a half I have obsessively watched every television program about wedding planning, bought way too many books and magazines about wedding planning and spent way too many hours browsing wedding planning topics on the internet. So with the wedding all said and done, I felt a bit of a void in my life. What would I occupy my (very little) free time with?

And then, one day, lamenting the fact that there was nothing on TV, I discovered HGTV in all its glory. You see, James and I are VERY eagerly awaiting the day next July when we can pack up our stuff and move back to our beloved Austin. Next July, by the way, is when I will be taking the Texas Bar exam. And then we are getting the hell out of Fort Worth and back to Austin! So naturally we will be selling our wonderful downtown Fort Worth loft and looking to buy a home in Austin.

I have never bought a home before. Sure, I had quite a bit of say over buying our current FTW loft, but I have never actually been the one to sign my name on the dotted line. James has bought two homes - but not me! So since the wedding is over I have been spending my newly freed up "wedding time" with house hunting. Obsessively. I am determined to find a beautiful house in Austin, in the right location, for the right price and with the exact square footage we want.

Wait, was that a laugh I heard? Well, if you are laughing, you are not alone. Being a property virgin means I have already had to do a major reality check. So I have been spending my days researching renovation costs, new developments in Austin, reading real estate blogs, etc. So this is my new obsession post wedding.

Which brings me to the point of this blog. What is life like after wedding? Well that's what this blog will hopefully explore - with doses here and there of law school misery to keep it interesting. :)